Kyiv

Five years ago I was living in Kyiv, Ukraine as an English teacher. When I went there I was 17 years old and had never been away from my family for any extended period of time. It felt like the right choice for me though, and it was the beginning of what I feel will be a lifelong yearning to share the incredible blessings I've been given.

Despite that, the first night I arrived I thought to myself "what have I gotten myself into?!" It was BEYOND cold, everything was so totally different, the place I was living felt incredibly "dodgy"; I was living in an apartment on the 13th floor (though I'm not typically superstitious, my emotions were running high that day and I definitely took it as a bad omen), I didn't speak a lick of Russian, and I had never felt so alone in all my life. My poor host mom was being so lovely and I just sat down on my bed and bawled my eyes out like a child. Looking back, she was probably having serious thoughts about hosting me, but fortunately I was able to win her over once I got my emotions in check. But as for that night, it continued to go downhill... my host family graciously invited me to attend a Ukrainian New Years party where everyone was eating really strange, traditional food and trying to talk to me in Russian. I felt sick, tired, and unbelievably lonely. It was a complete disaster, to say the least.

I felt pretty miserable for the following day or two, and talking to my family on the phone made me feel a bit better and worse at the same time. My attitude was unchanged, really, until I went to church on Sunday. I attended an English branch of my church with the other English teachers, and as I was sitting in the opening meeting, I felt an overwhelming peace. We were singing a hymn, I can't recall which one, and the simple act of singing a hymn I knew all my life made me feel safe and hopeful. It was like the hymn opened a door for God to whisper into my heart "you're safe, I know you're here, I'm watching over you and everything will be okay." And truly, that was the case. My anxieties were calmed, and though they certainly weren't laid to rest permanently, I was able to get a hold of myself and remember why I came, and that no matter my circumstances God could offer me peace. I am confident he helped me on my way and I was overcome by the miracles that happened in keeping me safe while I was there. Perhaps the one I recall most clearly was one evening where a drunk man on the metro more or less stalked and preyed upon me while on my way home, following me from train car to train car. I was absolutely paralyzed with fear and thought I might truly be abused or attacked or worse..... and prayed to God that someone would help me. I couldn't articulate myself in Russian and didn't know how to get anyone to see that I was afraid of being taken or attacked. Almost immediately a gentle young man approached me on the train car and began speaking to me in English. He recognized me as an English teacher from church, and asked if everything was alright. I told him about the situation and he immediately made every effort to make sure I was safe. Miraculously, he got off at the same metro stop and took the same tram as me, and so he saw me safely all the way home. The likelihood that an LDS English-speaker who recognized me would be in the same train car was so unfathomable, it was clear to me that my Heavenly Father had a hand in my safety and the overall peace of mind I was able to gain from that experience.

Besides the several experiences I had where my safety was miraculously procured, I also felt a miraculous connection to and love for the people of Ukraine. Though I lacked  language skills and  cultural sensitivity, I was able to make treasured friends and companions while there. What was at many points the most lonely experience of my life, my time in Ukraine was also one of love and friendship and incredible growth. And so much of that was due to the incredible warmth of the Ukrainian people (albeit under tough skin) and my connection to the church. It was incredible to see that halfway across the globe, the church of my childhood and home of my faith was just as strong and clear. I was privileged to meet and know incredible members during my time there, and one of the hopes they held dearest in their hearts was to see their Kyiv Temple dedicated. It had been announced for some years, but they were awaiting the day it would be built and dedicated. Just last year that hope was realized, and I just discovered the most beautiful clip about the youth involved in a regional culture performance and the dedication of the Temple. It made me emotional watching this film, not only because the Temple houses so many lovely, personal experiences for me, but also because I was able to remember the love that I have for the people in that region of the world. Such a different culture and place, but I learned to love them all the same and I felt that they learned to love me back. The youth in this video are so beautiful, so full of light!



You can see in this video the beautiful culture and wonderful spirit of the people in this part of the world. I was able to attend a national folk dance performance while living in Kyiv and fell in LOVE with the beautiful music, expression, fun, and insight that was a part of every dance. And the way the audience engaged with the performance was unlike anything I have ever seen in the US. It was so fun to see a little bit of that here in this video. I also loved the beautiful testimonies shared by the youth there, in a part of the world where it really is a lonely, challenging place to be a "Mormon." It can be hard anywhere, to be different and constantly have to defend your beliefs and lifestyle to friends, neighbors and critics. But these youth really impressed me, and inspired me to try a little harder to emulate that happiness and peace that comes from living the gospel of Christ.

Let me paint you a picture

 This is one of the beautiful Bhutanese refugee women living in Salt Lake City.

This pictures is worth more than a thousand words, I think. In this picture we see a thousand lives, countless decades lived fleeing. Fleeing or held in a camp, a camp for people without a nation, without a people or a home to call theirs. The lines of age, but also of insight, wisdom, unfathomable sorrow, and also hope. Seeking refuge. Refugee.

Refuge.... what does it mean?

Two years ago I was hired by one champ of a professor to co-develop a refugee and immigrant health course. Now, under the "legitimacy" of MPH student, I get to co-teach that class with him. Here's the thing-- neither of us has any substantial on-the-ground experiences with refugee populations, but at the end of the day we both felt passionate about the importance of having a class about refugee health at BYU. Okay maybe I carried us on the passionate part, and Dr. Cole took the prize for being supportive and enthusiastic :). Anyway we've done our ground work, and where we couldn't fill in the gaps with our personal experiences or research, we brought in guest lecturers. Tonight we had two great guest lecturers visit our class and confirm to me that my job is the best in the world. I get paid to research, do work, and teach about mitigating/preventing the overwhelming conditions and challenges that refugees face. And I get to constantly learn and be exposed to this amazing group, and the amazing men and women that work with them. This is a population of incredible, resilient, and loving people. But they face so many seemingly insurmountable challenges that they need advocates and support, and I hope that's what our class can create.

I think a lot of people are surprised to hear that thousands of refugees from countries all over the world live right here in Salt Lake City, Utah. Who knew right? But they're here, and hopefully here to stay. Just a few weeks ago I had the privilege of attending Utah's Refugee Conference, were we heard from amazing members of the refugee community and practitioners/professionals from refugee service providers. It was there that I attended a session on the effects of torture and trauma, hosted by Utah Health and Human Rights. This incredible non-profit offers counseling, therapy, and a variety of other social and health services to victims of trafficking and refugee torture or war crime survivors. One of the speakers particularly moved me, and I invited her to guest lecture for our class at BYU. She graciously accepted and I was thrilled, because her experiences and insights were something I could never offer our class on my own.

So tonight we got to hear from her and the lecture was even better the second time around. Dr. Bennett discussed with us the effects of secondary torture on children and the effects of torture on families in general. It was one of the most fascinating, eye-opening, and heart-wrenching lectures I've ever attended. One thing she started off with was a discussion based on a few drawings created by her child clients during play therapy sessions. Here's an example of what some might look like:

The drawings she shared showed the children with their families, or their views of what "home" meant. In the families the children were often left out or drawn disconnected from their parents. Many family members were left without hands or feet, or even facial features in some instances. These drawings offered an insight into the world of the child, who was processing a trauma that they might have seen or could sense, but that they couldn't talk about. The lack of feet and hands, so that they couldn't defend themselves or run. No mouths to communicate, or eyes to see. In one drawing of what a little girl described as a "home" we saw a house floating in the air. When asked who lived there, she responded "no one can live there." For her, home was a concept she couldn't identify with or really conceive of, having never had a real home herself.

It was heartbreaking to hear about how torture often causes families to fall apart and push away from each other; she described it as an explosion within the family. Like a bomb that goes off and every person bears the impact, but has a different experience and walks away from it carrying their own pieces of shrapnel. She discussed how for torture survivors, they often live in a world where time has collapsed, and so in every moment they can still experience fear. Fear of torture, fear of violence or rape-- however "irrational" that might be here in America. For them, that is the reality of their life and since the time of their torture, events of the past feel like part of the present or the future. She discussed how, although compartmentalization is an incredible and amazing coping mechanism, if we carry our trauma with us in a compartment it eventually begins to seep into all the parts of our lives and poison them. Compartmentalization doesn't last forever, and in order to deal with the trauma and carry it in a way that can be managed, it has to be delt with.

 This was really a whole new world for me. I knew that people are constantly tortured, raped, and exploited in every moment in every location on the globe. It still overwhelms me, but I have come to accept it. But gaining this insight into the way that trauma and torture can haunt and terrorize a person or child for their entire life, poisoning precious moments with family or turning a haven into a prison-- this was a new way of understanding for me. The burdens that these people carry are such a heavy and almost insurmountable weight; and yet they carry on resilient and hopeful.

I feel like a lot of time we just float through life and don't think very much about what's going on around the globe. People hear about conflict, rape, trafficking, whatever. They say things like "that's too bad" or "how horrible" or "those poor people." But how often do we do anything about it? It's much easier to feel horrified or sorry for a moment and then move on. But I think at the end of the day we'll regret that move, and see that not only did we have a lot to offer that we selfishly held to ourselves, but that we had so much to gain as well from our brothers and sisters who have learned to shine and live with hope and laughter despite unfathomable challenges.

I feel grateful every day of my life for the innumerable blessings I have received. It's not fair and I don't know why, except that God wants me to do something with them. It's easy to get caught up in academia or career, our families or even church, or whatever else. But at the end of the day I believe that we have a real responsibility from God to reach out and care for each other, and to carry each others' burdens. My burdens have been so, so very light compared to most. Surely not so that I could carry a weightless load all my life, and never understand the pain and horror that most of the world experiences (and most women in history for that matter) on a regular basis. Rather that I-- and I guess I really mean we, we who are blessed with the freedom of this country, with health and strength and peace-- could help shoulder that load, and carry each other.

From what I can tell the images in this video are from Sarajevo, the genocide in Bosnia-Herzevogina

There's a passage from the foreward to A Thousand Sisters that I love. After describing the predicament and questions asked by a survivor of conflict and violence, Zainab Salbi says this:

"Then there are the questions with which the rest of the world must wrestle: What if one has the privilege of not directly experiencing or even witnessing injustice in front of one's eyes? What if one never has to know what it feels like to be lynched, whipped, raped, chained, mutilated, enslaved: or know the pain of witnessing a loved one be killed without being able to do anything about it? What if one doesn't know what it feels like to lose a home because a bomb fell on it, or because it was invaded by soldiers or rebels in the middle of hte night while you were sleeping in your own bed; or be forced to walk days and weeks in the middle of the forest without any food just to save your life and that of your loved one? What then? Is that carte blanche to ignore, to do nothing?

For much of the world it is. Much of the world is content to stand by and do nothing while the war rages on in Congo, while people die by the millions, and while women are raped by the hundreds of thousands. But, thankfully, it is not so for everyone. There are activists worldwide who do what they can on behalf of others who are oppressed, though they may not share that plight.

These are the people who realize that their own privilege-- the privilege of not witnessing, atrocities, the privilege of being heard, or having the resources to survive-- is a responsibility to humanity, a responsibility to be shared with others, and a responsibility to the world. That story, the story of a few individuals acting upon injustice even though they have not witnessed it firsthand has always existed, and that is the story that adds to the hope survivors share when they triumph over the evil they have witnessed."

Valentine's Weekend Day 2

Saturday night we finished up our delicious pizza and then headed over to our Stake Valentine Dance. It's pretty funny going to a dance with of all couples because a lot of people don't know each other, so they just stick with their spouse and either a) dance awkwardly b) dance like goofballs (who's trying to impress?) c) swing dance to every single song, including michael jackson or b) they are actually awesome at dancing because they probably met in a BYU ballroom/hip hop/swing seminar and therefore everyone is jealous of them. Where did Jordan and I fit in there? Probably the goofballs I guess, but hey we had a fun time :).

Attempt at a one-armed shot... deer in the headlights style

Bishop grabbed me for a quick swing dance-- too funny! We were dying.

And here are some out of photoshop... just messin around :)

 It was a fun night! Here's to our 4th Valentine's day together :)

V-day Weekend Day 1

Well, seeing as that Valentine's day is on Monday this year, we kind of made it Valentine's Day all weekend long! On Friday we thought about going out to eat but then decided we didn't really want to fight the crowds or pay the money, so we made heart-shaped pizzas together with homemade dough, extra yummy gourmet cheeses etc. instead....

We made two kinds, barbecue chicken and kind of a gourmet cheese one with tomatoes.

This one turned out especially well :)

I forgot to take a picture till we ate half of it! :)

Birthday #23

Well, last weekend was my 23rd birthday and I got pretty spoiled! Jordan, Katie and I went up to visit my McGregor grandparents in Salt Lake on Friday night to celebrate our birthdays-- my grandpa was the previous Monday, mine was the next day, and my grandma's is next week.  That night my grandma took my sister and I shopping, and Jord hung out with my grandpa and watched "The Terminator" on TV, lol! He's a champ. My grandpa just had surgery the day before so it was nice for them to hang out and relax. While we were out my grandma treated me to some pretty adorable vintage lookin' red heels, and some little wedge shoes that I can wear for work this summer! Also, a delicate/lacy scarf that looks like it belongs in an Anthropologie catalog (my dream style) and a stylish work jacket. I felt like Stacy and Clinton would have approved, it cinched in at the waist and everything ;). When we got back we all watched Secretariat for the first time.

Everyone told me I would love it, and you know what? It just wasn't my favorite. I mean sure, I'm all about empowering women and who doesn't love a beautiful horse... but I was kind of stuck on the fact that she more or less abandoned her husband and kids for years in order to make a winning horse and save the ranch. There's probably things I would concede could possibly be worthy of missing out on your children growing up... but not many. And for me, I don't think a horse is one of them. But besides that, I did like the movie :). I talked to my friend Steph and she explained that one of the reasons she really enjoyed it was because it emphasized that when you know something is right, and you have a dream, you take risks and you go for it. And just the whole woman rocking it in a man's world thing. That improved my perspective a bit, so I guess on the scale of liking I liked it. Good characters, beautiful horse... nice message overall.


Sooooo after that we hit the sack, and the next morning I woke up to a delicious birthday breakfast by Jord. The boy's a keeper! After that we said goodbye to my grandparents and headed back home. Jord and I hung out all afternoon, and I didn't do ANY homework. It was a birthday miracle!!! No but seriously, I haven't had a day (except Sundays) without homework in literally.... I can't even remember. Even over Christmas break I was doing hw and writing fellowship applications etc., so it was nice to just take the day and enjoy it. Jordan made me a really wonderful dinner that night:

We had salmon, homemade mashed potatoes, fresh steamed broccoli, and yummy grape juice!

After dinner he took me to a local production of Broadway songs! There were... varying levels of talents, but the we really enjoyed ourselves! Afterwords we ducked into Gloria's Little Italy for some scrumptious dessert. We were surprised and delighted to find that as we were paying for them, they were half off! Turns out all of the desserts (and there are a lot of de-LISH-ous ones) are half off after 7pm on Saturday nights. New favorite date activity? Yea, I think so.

The next night the Perrys had us over for Sunday dinner as usual, but Jolynn made me a special birthday dinner that was to die for! Pasta primavera--my favorite-- with delicious fresh fruit. Jordan made fresh, homemade rolls that were also amazing. It was seriously all my favorite foods. For dessert Jolynn made this amazing Italian torte that has some name I can't recall... but it's a concoction of delicious cake, almondy-flavored cream with almonds and chocolate cream. Basically, it was goooood.

Can you blame me for lookin happy? Like I said, spoiled.

To top it off, the following Monday at school my MPH cohort had red velvet  cake for me at lunch, with a gift of hair things and headbands from a local boutique, The Help, and a few bottles of Life Water (I love that flavored water stuff).

I love this cute one with the bow! :) And note the curled hair (a rarity) compliments of the new curling iron Jordan got me for a birthday.

Spoiled, spoiled.