Kay folks. I recognize I'm on a mom/women/religion kick lately. Pretty much it's just how it goes. So feel free to skip reading this one if you've had an overdose, but otherwise, I thought this experience was pretty much a neat one....
However, do proceed with caution. First of all, this is pretty much... long (shocking, I know! I never have rants or monologues that go on for extended periods of time!). But it's really good, thought provoking stuff, I promise :). And you should probably plan on reading the whole thing if you plan on reading at all, because the following is a Kelsey opinion/take on a generally sensitive subject :).
So. As you may or may not know, my hubby Jord is serving in the bishopric of our ward, which is basically a group of men who are called to be responsible for the welfare of our church group. Interestingly, of all the leadership (including ward clerk, exec secretary etc.) we're the only couple that isn't either greeeeaaaat with child, or has a baby or two already. A few weeks ago, Jordan relayed to me (probably much to his initial regret ;), that during a meeting a member of leadership essentially gave a passionate testimony/speech about the importance of having children as soon as possible, how it is counseled by church leadership, and that we should all seek after the blessings of parenthood immediately. Important of note is that he essentially directed his eyes at Jordan the whole time (obviously the speech would really only apply to us, since everyone has subscribed to that general idea already). I was pretty vehemently irritated when he told me this, feeling like it was completely and totally inappropriate for a member of leadership to approach this personal topic in such a public way, with absolutely no effort to discuss with us our situation. Yep, I was not happy. Thankfully, my level-headed husband explained to me the context of the situation, that it wasn't meant condescendingly, etc etc. I can understand that there are righteous principles that this man testified about-- the blessings of parenthood, of having a family, etc. So after venting for awhile, I got over it, and was in fact able to learn some valuable lessons from the experience.
The gospel is true. No doubt about this in my mind. The church "culture," however, can often miss the mark I feel. One of these misses I feel can be the assumption that there is a mold in which every new couple ought to fit, and if they don't fit this mold for some reason, they must be doing something wrong. Not everyone in the church thinks this, but sometimes you get some vibes that some people do. Church leaders have made it incredibly clear that personal revelation is an essential component of the restored gospel, but unfortunately I think we sometimes forget this as a church culture. Although in the past there have been some statements (often referred to out of context) referring to the responsibility to bear as many children as quickly as possible, the current recommendation on these topics, given by our modern prophets, is that the sacred subject of families and how and when to begin them is personal between a couple and the Lord. As BYU President Samuelson said, "
You also know that the scriptures and the prophets have not been explicit about things such as numbers [of children], timing and so forth. This is because not only are these things intensely personal in terms of decisions, they are absolutely unique in terms of our customized, individual circumstances." I feel completely comfortable with those couples that feel prompted to start families right after their marriage-- that is truly wonderful! Unfortunately people sometimes forget that this "normal" procedure may not be right for
every couple, and wrongly assume this is the immediate responsibility of every couple, regardless of whether they may feel personally prompted to start a family or perhaps feel personally prompted to first finish their education, etc.
I just discovered this confirmation to my thoughts in a talk given by President Samuelson (the same one I quoted above) to women at BYU studying the maths and sciences, "I'm candidly nervous when I hear well-meaning people make extrapolations from the scriptures or from the statements of the prophets and then seem to feel authorized to tell the rest of us what the prophets really meant, had they only been wise enough to say it clearly. When anyone says more than the scriptures or the prophets have said on a particular doctrine, principle or practice, I consider them to be on dangerous ground." Well put, sir.
However, probably
the most incredible thing I realized was while watching General Conference yesterday. Totally unrelated to anything in the talks I was listening to, I had a little gem drop into my mind. It's interesting to me that as a church "culture," women are often expected to step into the role of motherhood as soon as possible after marriage-- even at the expense of education, training, or other worthwhile endeavors. Like I said earlier, this certainly may be correct for some couples. However the interesting thing is the comparison of how we treat the husband's role. Unlike his wife, the husband is not expected to step immediately into his role as "provider." He could in fact do this, quitting school and getting an un-skilled job, however, it is universally accepted that by becoming educated he will be
better able to fulfill his role, and is therefore encouraged to get as much education and training as possible. I wonder--
did it ever cross mormon "culture"'s mind that becoming well educated would enable the wife to better fulfill her role as wife and mother? I know, it's a crazy thought, but bear with me. During the time that Jordan and I were determining how we wanted to address the conflict of finishing school/starting a family, I took the time to read through the majority of talks from the last decade of General Relief Society Broadcasts. And in almost every single one of these meetings, the Prophet of the church would counsel the sisters to "get as much education as you can." No stipulations on being single or not, just the counsel to get as much education as possible. Surely, though the husband's education is invaluable and does provide for the physical needs and comforts of his family, the wife's education contributes equally if not more to the healthy and righteous raising of the family's children. Where the husband's education contributes largely to the physical sustenance of the family, a wonderful and commendable contribution (among other things, but that probably being the most obvious), the wife's education contributes largely to the delicate training and nurturing of her children's minds and hearts. This may, in fact, ultimately be the
longer lasting impression of quality education. I feel confident that our Heavenly Father values the education of women, and that skills, talents, and education do not have to be sacrificed at the alter of motherhood. Motherhood and education can go hand in hand, and when the opportunity for a woman to gain a valuable education is taken, it will have the capacity to positively impact her family for ever.
Like I said before-- it's personal to every couple. It may not be the right choice for every couple to get PhDs together :). Each person's path is different. Often, people should start their families right away, and it is a blessing and it is right and good. But when a couple is
prompted to seek after educational opportunities with the righteous desire of enhancing the training and growth of their family and their capacities to be instruments in the Lord's plan, this is a
good thing. Education and righteous motherhood are not at odds with each other! Surely, they are a perfect complement. I've talked to so many girls that reflect on how their education-- be it high school, college, elementary school, or even learning to be literate in developing nation-- has improved the situation of their family and their capacity to be a wonderful mother. Although church culture may not yet acknowledge this, it does not make it untrue.
I hope no one is offended by this. It's hard to put into words impressions that sometimes come, but this is something that I feel so strongly about. We need to weed out any untruths and twisted versions of truth that may pervade our church culture, and seek after real truth, undaunted and untarnished truth, individual and personal to each of us.
Here's an awesome quote from Elder John K. Carmack (The executive director of the Perpetual Education Fund) who spoke at BYU law school last Wednesday:
"President Hinckley never made a distinction between men and women in establishing PEF as the educational program for young adults in less-advantaged countries. Now that he is gone we can learn several important things about President Monson’s feelings.
• Education is just as vital for women as for men in the Church.
• Education for women is not just a safeguard in case of divorce, death of a spouse, or lack of opportunity to marry, but is also important for fulfilling life’s purposes and the goals of improving our minds and skills."
yes!!!He even went on to say, "
Education can help women fulfill their life’s roles, including rearing children, at the highest level of which they are capable.Women also gain fulfillment and satisfaction from improving their minds and skills. Education helps women achieve excellence in Church and community service." Couldn't have said it better myself.
Really, we have a variety of commandments to fulfill. Commandments to have a family, commandments to become well educated, commandments to be fruitful, etc. We have to find the personal balance of all these commandments, and find the best way to fulfill all requirements for ourselves. Surely, God meant for these various commandments to go hand in hand, and not be at variance with one another. Though they may seem to conflict, they are not meant to, and if I may be so bold as to quote my brother Nephi: "I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the
thing which he commandeth them" (1 Nephi 3:7).If you're interested, here's the link to President Samuelson's talk:
http://cpms.byu.edu/speeches/family-education-careers.
And the link to Elder Cormack's talk (which was excellent, really), a perfect complement to what I've talked about
here.
